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The March of the N00bs - Part 1
Posted By: Wado<wyamauchi@msn.com>
Date: 2 November 2003, 10:13 PM
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Note: You might think the names in this story reflect people you know but I swear I made the whole thing up. I really don't know what you are talking about.
The March of the N00bs - Part 1
"In my wildest dreams I still would never imagine the events of the day. Somehow it all transpired... What you don't believe me?"
"You have to admit KP, the whole thing is a bit unbelievable. Come on, death from above, an army of n00bs, the cutting you off at the knees -- It's all just way too grand to be true."
KP looked back at the tall, noble king. Then in a hop and bop the lower parts of his legs fell off. They were nothing but stilts.
"Whaaaat? KP your legs, what happened to your legs?" stuttered the king.
"I told you already, my gracious King Louis, but I'll tell you again..." replied KP. "It started small, like everything, it started small..."
In a meadow called Timberland, Michael M. gasped in awe. "Wow you really are getting your ass kicked," he said in disbelief. "Are you new around here?"
"Err... no maybe it's the lag. Say they call be Wado, the master blaster, the dander blammer. What's your name?" replied Wado while shooting needlers in the air.
"Hey watch it, will you. That almost hit me. Oh and my name is Michael M." replied Michael M. with a hint of caution.
"Oh just keeping you on your toes soldier, besides the needles won't track you if you are a friend, that's how I know you are on my team," snidely remarked Wado.
"But don't the red dots on the scanner show enemies and the white dots show friends?" commented Michael M.
"Oh yeah, really. Oh that would explain... and all this time I thought they were just TK'rs... oh never mind. What are you in for, anyway?" asked Wado.
"Well I was on this forum and I annoyed some people and then I mocked someone I didn't know anything about and now I'm stuck here," answered Michael M. while rubbing his head, "and that hammer they hit me with really hurts."
"That's nice, oh what? GAME CLOSED DOWN. errrr," muttered Wado. "Hey come with me Michael M. I'll show you a place just over that hill."
"Well as long as it doesn't take too long, my mom says I have to be in bed by ten."
"No worries, we're already here. The wonders of the internet," said Wado. "So this place is called Bungie Hill and isn't it beautiful?"
"No it looks a mess, fires, broken keyboards and dead mice," replied Michael M.
"What the..." Wado couldn't believe his eyes, the once beautiful land was filled with smoke and signs of a battle, a massive battle. Amongst the carnage, one moving figure lay near him. It looked like KP. Wado moved to him. "KP, what happened, oh my, your legs, they have been cut off." Wado looked around and with the help of Michael M. found a pair of legs with no body attached. Wado reattached the legs to KP.
"Thanks, I can walk again, wait these aren't my legs," remarked KP, "but no time for this, we were attacked by the forces of N00btopia. They came in fast and hard and crushed the forces of the 7th Column in a horrible route."
"N00btopia, cool." said Michael M.
"Shut up Michael M. You can't be serious KP, N00bs defeat the elite 7th Column." questioned Wado.
"I am dead serious Wado," KP replied in a cold chill. "They are somehow united, they move as one, a force to be reckoned with. We need to gather forces and take them out before they can reach the Kingdom of HBO."
"HBO, that's who hit me over the head with that hammer," said Michael M.
"Shut up!" cried KP and Wado in unison.
"Surely N00btopia won't reach HBO. First they would have to march through either the Domain of Subnova and face the Minions of Pallor or route West through Bungie itself and the Marty Army." Wado said with a smirk. "And besides, reinforcements must be on the way."
"Good point Wado," said KP but suddenly he felt the ground below him give way in a fiery fury.
"Here I am to save the day!" said a mysterious stranger. He blasted the legs off of KP.
"Stop it Miguel!" cried KP.
"Oh, is that you KP," stated the stranger who resembled Miguel Chavez. "Sorry with those strange things attached as legs I thought you were a Flood warrior."
"Miguel Chavez, wow," interjected Wado. "When I said there would be reinforcements, I didn't think they would send the M.C."
"Say where are the rest?" added KP.
"Heh, the rest," Miquel looked confused. "You only need the M.C., right?"
"And don't forget me too," said a sexy voice from the bushes.
"Jillybean, is that you?" asked Wado.
"Well yes, you don't expect the M.C. to go anywhere without me, do you?" said Jillybean.
"Jilly, wouldn't that make you Cort..." said Wado.
"Don't say it Wado, I hate that b'tch, she stole my lipstick," instructed Jillybean.
The M.C. looked a bit annoyed saying, "That makes no sense, what would a hologram do with your lipstick?" Then he started to sing, "Jillybean, Is Not My Lover. She's Just A Girl Who Claims That I Am The One. But The Kid Is Not My Son. She Says I Am The One, But The Kid Is Not My Son."
"Err... right," said KP. "It is good to have you here, both of you Jillybean and M.C. but there's nothing much to do. The forces of N00btopia are marching on HBO and it matters not, they will either be crushed by the Minions of Pallor or Marty's Army, and if by any luck they survive that, the Count and the forces of HBO is more than a match for any army of N00bs."
"Maybe not..." said Michael M.
"Oh what is it, Michael M.?" asked Wado. "Oh folks, this is Michael M."
"We've met," said the others.
"Hi guys and, wow, a girl that likes Halo," said Michael M.
"Get to the point, will thou," said Jillybean.
"Well I saw a bunch of N00bs going into a tunnel over by the Halo level, that's the same tunnel that I took to get here from HBO," added Michael M.
"No, that tunnel should be guarded by Finn and mnemesis as it goes through the Halo Story Page through a back door to HBO." said the M.C.
"HSP rocks!" yelled Wado.
"Oh no, I saw Finn and mnemesis heading to the post office earlier with several tons of email, they can't be back already," said Jillybean.
The group started towards the tunnel to get a closer look. "Hey wait," said KP.
"Oh sorry," replied Wado as he attached two sticks to KP to use as legs.
"Sticks, where are my legs?" said KP as he stood up using the sticks for legs.
"Would you like some cheese with your sticks," asked a strange creature from an earshot's distance.
"What are you?" asked Michael M. looking at the creature that looked kind of like a llama only bent.
"bentllama is the name, care for a fart?" said the creature.
"Incoming!" said another voice from below. "Run for it."
"Pancake," said bentllama who then flashed an official Bungie decoder badge.
Everyone was confused. Wado looked down to see where the second voice had come from.
"Hello," said the voice from below. "I'm Shishka and I'm the Lord of the Skies."
"But," muttered Wado, "you're a caterpillar."
"Don't worry, he's with me and we will need him," said bentllama. "He is skilled and is very good at drawing everyone's fire away from the rest of the team."
"No, you're the one that draws everyone's fire," stated Shishka.
"Camper," said bentllama.
"Camper," replied Shishka.
"Sorry to interrupt but we have work to do," said Jillybean.
"Yes, right, no problem," said Shiska. "I'll just call up mnemesis on his cell phone and give him the warning, then HBO will be safe." Ring went the phone to the tune of the Ride of the Valkyries. "Strange, mnemesis doesn't seem to be answering his phone."
"There's no time for this, we have to activate the HSP's defenses," insisted the M.C.
"Oh really," said Jillybean, "and if you don't stop making me sound like Cortana I'm going to kill you off in my next story, Wado."
"Hey look," said Shishka while looking over the hill. The group dropped everything to take a look.
"Ouch," said Michael M.
"What is it?" said a few in unison.
"I dropped my framed picture of Pallor on my foot, you said drop everything," replied Michael M.
"I'll get you for that, Michael M." said a voice that sounded a lot like Ross Mills.
"Did you hear something?" asked Jillybean.
"Oh that's Ross, he's always lurking around," said the M.C. "He will come out with his spam cannon if needed but for now leave him be."
The group peered over the hill and all hope bled from them. The tunnel was indeed being used by the forces of N00btopia. They marched in perfect unison, goose-stepping to the clicks of mice. Dazed, blank, sleep-deprived faces and armed with extended keyboards, they numbered in the thousands.
"That tunnel is not a natural formation," said Jillybean. "Oh Wado you are so dead after this..."
"No duh that tunnel made of concrete in the middle of an artificial game map is not a natural formation," replied everyone including Ross from the distance.
"This doesn't look good," said Michael M.
"No it doesn't," said Jillybean, "but I have a plan. All we have to do is pretend we are N00bs and we can waltz right past them. The M.C. and I will go first."
"Something tells me I'm not going to like this," remarked the M.C.
Down the other side of the hill went the M.C. and Jillybean. Out of nowhere came N00b sentries. "Halt, come here. Where are your gamer tags?"
"Let me pass," said the M.C.
"Radical dude, that's like the best costume I've ever seen," said a N00b sentry, "you look just like him. You may pass."
The M.C. moved on with Jillybean close behind. But another N00b stopped her saying, "k3wl it's a grrl that lk Halo."
"That's Cortana dumbass," replied the first N00b sentry.
"I'm not Cortana, why does everyone say that," screamed Jillybean in frustration. "I hate her!"
"Not Cortana?" said the first N00b sentry.
"Err... wait, I can speak l337 sp33k," responded Jillybean.
"Hey Cortana doesn't talk like that, get her!" ordered the N00b sentry and then like trap door spiders on fire dozens of N00btopian warriors appeared from hidden holes. They were dressed in over-clocked battle suits with huge ghetto fans strapped to their backs. There was nothing the M.C. could do as they started to drag Jillybean away screaming. Jillybean wasn't screaming, just to clarify, the N00btopian warriors were because their battle suits were so flaming hot.
Jillybean didn't panic; she calmly put on her dark matrix glasses and uttered three words, "Louis Wu tutu."
"Louis Wu in a pink tutu," chanted the N00bs. They started to laugh and then the first N00b sentry gestured for them to release Jillybean and let her pass. He didn't need to spell out all the words because he had binded the command keys using -console.
Jillybean and the M.C. proceeded on. "Nah, nah!" said Jillybean and then she stuck her tongue out at Wado as they disappeared into the tunnel.
"Gosh, she's good," remarked Wado from behind cover. "Did you guys see that, how the N00bs almost took her away and almost ate her entrails and almost took her prisoner? Alright, who's next?"
"I'm next," said Exogenesis, "and what are you staring at, I've been here the whole time."
"No you haven't," said Wado.
"Okay, okay, you caught me, but please I'll do anything, just put me in the story," begged Exogenesis.
"Anything?" thought Wado, "Okay, you're in. Go, go, go." Then Exogenesis rushed down the hill, he was immediately shot and killed. The N00bs ate his entrails. "I'll be back, there's only so many character models," gasped Exogenesis as the N00bs dragged away his lifeless, dead, rotting, maggot infested, decaying corpse for unspeakable reasons.
"Ha ha, hehe," bellowed another voice from the distance. It was Red Loser. Was he here to save the day, no not this time because he ran away. The N00bs charged his location which made him abandon his station. He sped off into the fog in a yellow warthog.
"Don't you mean yellow..." started Michael M., but Wado cut him off in mid sentence.
"No I don't, there's no such thing as the yellow..." interrupted Wado.
"Hey look!" counter-interrupted Michael M. as he peered towards the N00bs to see that bentllama and Shishka were already going down the hill.
"Kewl!" said the N00b sentries referring to bentllama. "You may pass."
"Oh yuck, I'm smushing that insect," said one of the N00bs while pointing at Shishka.
"Caterpillars aren't insects, dumbass," said another N00b. Insects have six legs. Caterpillars have like a hundred."
"I'm still smushing it," replied the first N00b, but before he could bring his foot down on Shishka there was an awful splat sound. It came from the foot of bentllama as he brought it down full force onto the helpless Shishka.
When bentllama lifted his foot back up, there was no trace of Shishka; he had been thoroughly fragged down to sub-atomic particles. "I can't believe bentllama killed Shishka," muttered Wado.
"Well it's just you, me, Ross behind the bushes, and Michael M.," said KP. "Wado, you and Michael M. should have little problem posing as N00bs, why don't you go next."
"Okay," replied Michael M. and Wado. Wado added, "Hey, what did KP mean by no problem posing as N00bs?" as the two went down the hill.
Immediately Wado was recognized by the N00bs. "Hey that's Wado the master storyteller, let's capture him and eat his brain so we can get all his mojo," said the N00bs.
"Hi-ya!" Wado fought valiantly, "These N00bs can't take me, I'm invincible." Wado climbed into the driver's seat of a warthog and ran seven hundred N00bs down. "It's not Photoshop, damn it, I'm really that good!" Then he rounded a corner into damnation. He looked about; he was in an indoor level, the bane of his Halo existence. Wado grabbed the flag and his teammate hit him from behind with a rocket launcher. "The damn red dot on the scanner teammate always betraying me from behind," cried Wado as the N00bs dragged him off to unspeakable places. In the distance, Jillybean laughed hysterically.
The world went dark and coldness fell. "Hello, hello," cried the voice of KP. Then a small spotlight from above illuminated him. "Hey, who turned out the lights?" he asked.
From above a voice bellowed saying, "There's no one to tell the story anymore, Wado was taken away and put with all the other HBO prisoners that the N00bs took back to N00btopia."
"You don't need Wado, we are all storytellers," replied KP.
"Okay, great, I'll turn the lights back on," bellowed the voice from above.
"Wait a moment please, before you turn the lights back on," requested KP. In the darkness, KP, Michael M., and Ross Mills snuck passed the confused N00b sentries. "Okay, you can turn the lights on now."
"Let there be light," bellowed the voice, "I've always wanted to say that." Then the lights came back on and the group huddled together. There was the M.C., Jillybean, KP, Michael M., Ross Mills, bentllama, and a butterfly. That made seven.
"Who is the butterfly?" asked Michael M.
"It is I Shishka," replied the butterfly. "It says in my FAQ that caterpillars make cocoons. When bentllama's foot was coming down, I quickly created a cocoon. It acted like an over-shield and for a brief moment I was invincible. I was safe from his stomp, but what nearly did me in was when the effects of the cocoon wore off and I was wedged in bentllama's toe cheese. I barely made it out of there."
"Great plan bentllama, saving Shishka from the N00bs by stomping down on him and carrying him away," said Michael M.
"Plan, what plan?" replied bentllama. "Is that camper still around?"
"Hey, the voice from above said that the N00bs had prisoners from HBO that they took back to N00btopia," interjected KP.
"What, you aren't supposed to know that," bellowed the voice from above. "That's out of character knowledge."
"Ha," replied KP.
"Who are you talking to KP?" asked the rest of the group.
"You don't hear that voice from above?" wondered KP.
"No," replied everyone.
"but..." said KP as he questioned his sanity like he does everyday he gets out of bed and looks in the mirror.
"Ha, ha, ha!" laughed everyone. "We really got you KP, come on out 235."
Out from the shadows came a floating blue ball saying, "Greetings, I am 235 Guilty Nick, I'm such a devil. Err... I mean I'm the monitor of HSP."
"I don't get it," interjected Michael M., "if 343 is 7 times 7 times 7, then what is 235?"
"It's called a mathematical series, dumbass," replied 235 Guilty Nick, "because 2, 3, and 5 are the first three prime numbers and 7 comes next."
"Do you even work for HSP?" scolded Jillybean. "And why do you talk like a N00b?"
"Well, no, but how could you know?" replied 235 Guilty Nick. "Heh heh heh, I'm such a devil."
"Whatever, talk to the hand," said Jillybean.
"No wait, Jillybean, I thought you liked me," said 235 Guilty Nick. "Remember I put Louis Wu in a pink tutu in your HBO Halloween story. Oh come on, I can change, I'll be good, just let me join the group. It's not my fault, this Wado guy stuck me in a blue ball and all, I'm really much better in red."
"I don't know," muttered Jillybean.
"Look I have prisoners, I caught these two sneaking into the HSP," begged 235 Guilty Nick as he presented them. One looked a lot like Socrates and the other vaguely like Jamirus99 in a cat suit.
"Nice abs Jamirus99," commented the only female in the group who will remain unnamed, "and why is there only one of us?"
So anyway Sarah shows up from out of nowhere and saying, "Jamirus99, why are you dressed up in a slick black suit?"
"Nothing, just something I found laying around," replied Jamirus99 and then an email fell out of his pocket.
"I knew it," shouted Socrates. "You were trying to sneak your email onto the Halo Story Page, weren't you Jamirus99? I followed you here to keep an eye on you."
"They were going to post it, they just lost it or something," reputed Jamirus99.
"That's not what Finn said," replied Socrates.
"Enough!" commanded the M.C., "Everyone is in, we need all the help we can get. According to our intelligence reports, a large group of HBO'ers have been captured and taken to N00btopia. We need to split up with one group activating the HSP defenses and the other group going to rescue the prisoners. Failure is not an option."
"Right M.C.," said Jillybean. "bentllama, you know too much to go into the HSP so you, Shishka, Ross Mills, Michael M., and KP will go after the prisoners. The M.C., myself, Sarah, 235 GN, Jamirus99, and Socrates will activate the HSP defenses. Good luck to all."
The groups said heartfelt farewells and as time was drawing short, they parted. Michael M. looked at his new comrades; he heard the M.C. and Jillybean laughing in the distance as they walked away. It was at something 235 Guilty Nick said about Wado saying the HSP defenses was a pulse laser that shot out of his anus. Socrates corrected him saying it was a pulse laser shot from Uranus. Jillybean chimed in saying that the HSP defenses didn't kill the N00bs, it educated them. Everyone laughed again.
Michael M.'s group was composed of hardcore Halo veterans. Shishka with his newly sprouted wings was indeed looking the part of the Lord of the Skies. That bentllama was a strange one but he had heart, Michael M. thanked Bungie that bentllama was on his side. Ross looked too young but he had that demeanor of a fighter, someone many times battle hardened through the spam wars, a mighty subnovian warrior he was. And what of KP, the man with sticks for legs, a history of always being on the losing side of every war so it would appear, but nevertheless, he was a survivor, someone who would always rise above it and make a comeback.
Jillybean looked at the M.C. saying, "Did we do the right thing, splitting up with the army of N00bs all around? I mean what other choice did we have?"
"It's too early to tell Jillybean," said the M.C., "This is just the beginning."
...To be continued?
Note: Special thanks to the folks at HBO and Bungie for being such good sports and especially to Jillybean and Michael M. for inspiring me to write this story on the spur of the moment and to Socrates for helping to gather a list of names that I could use in the story. The story got longer than I originally thought so I split it up, so I hope to be able to get many more forum go'ers in part II, well if I get off my lazy butt and finish writing it.
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