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March of the N00bs - Part 2b
Posted By: Wado<wyamauchi@msn.com>
Date: 11 November 2003, 12:53 AM
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Note: You might think the names in this story reflect people you know but I swear I made the whole thing up. I really don't know what you are talking about.
The March of the N00bs - Part 2b
Meanwhile in another map called Blood Gulch, Michael M., Shishka, bentllama, Ross Mills, and KP spied down on the N00btopian camp.
"These N00btopians give N00bs a bad name," said Shishka. "We were all N00bs once. In fact I don't even like to use the term N00b, it is just an excuse to label people, human beings... and further more... hey, wait a moment; take a look at 3:00, one hundred and seventeen meters, mark seven."
"I hear you Shishka, we shouldn't judge all N00bs by the actions of these N00btopians," said KP as he started to peer through the sniper scope. "Oh I see them, we know those two N00btopians peeling potatoes by the camp kitchen, one is halofan141 and the other is Littlebigman. Good call Shishka."
"Do you think you could get to them on a recon mission KP?" asked bentllama. "One disadvantage with the rest of us is that we tend to stand out in a crowd."
KP nodded and headed down into the N00btopian camp saying, "Easy as pie." When he reached the bottom of the hill, he was met by N00btopian sentries with their standard, "Where are your gamer tags?" demand.
KP presented his gamer tag. The sentries looked at the KP on KP's tag and pointed him towards the camp kitchen. "I'm getting hungry, I sure could use some pie," KP muttered to himself.
"Hey got some pie?" asked KP when he saw halofan141 and Littlebigman. "So what are you two doing here?"
"Man KP, this really sucks," said halofan141. "They promised us a mod for co-op play in Halo PC, but all they did was over heat my computer sending out DOS attacks and SPAM. Now look at us, peeling potatoes for those N00bs with better video cards."
"You want out?" smirked KP.
"You bet," replied halofan141 and Littlebigman.
"Good, but first mash me some potatoes because I'm hungry," commanded KP, "and then tell me about the prisoners from HBO."
As KP conversed with halofan141 and Littlebigman, Shishka observed from above. "What is KP doing down there?"
"It looks like he is eating mashed potatoes with gravy," said Michael M.
"And those look like French cut beans with those crunchy onions on top, lots of gravy and pot roast," interjected Ross Mills.
"Stuffing, oh and candied apples and no, it can't be, hot pie," gasped Shishka.
"Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrap, arrrrrrrgh!"
"Incoming, no wait, bentllama, was that you?" asked Shishka.
"Sorry, it was my stomach, I haven't eaten all day," replied bentllama.
"Me neither," said Ross Mills. "Nor I," said Shishka. "Or I," added Michael M.
"Okay, Ross any luck trying to contact the HBO forums using your webcam?" asked Shishka.
"None, nor Bungie or Subnova either, there seems to be a considerable network storm hitting all sites at the moment," replied Ross.
"Yeah, yeah, geek talk, I have a change of plans," said bentllama. "One of us needs to be a camper and go down to the enemy base."
"I'm the camper," said Ross Mills running down the hill.
"No me," shouted Michael M. while running after Ross.
bentllama and Shishka just stared at each other. "I really should be the camper because I've had the most practice," slowly stated bentllama.
"Ah ha, I knew it, camper," said Shishka.
I'll save you some pie, not," exclaimed bentllama as he headed down the hill.
Shishka gloated for a moment in self-accomplishment before realizing he was alone and hungry. "Oh no, wait bentllama, I'm a camper too."
"No I don't think so, you're no camper," muttered bentllama in passing.
"I am the camper!" shouted Shishka.
"I can't hear you," replied bentllama.
Shishka shouted at the top of his lungs saying, "I am the camper!!!"
Shishka's shouting drew a lot of attention to him. A horde of N00btopians gathered around to get him, but Shishka had wings and flew away. Then the N00btopians turned towards bentllama. It looked bad for the mighty bent one until he pointed at Shishka and shrugged his shoulders saying, "What are you waiting for, he said he was the camper. A matter of fact, I think he is the llama camper."
"The llama camper," said the N00btopians. The looks of utter delight combined with the grimace of revenge came over their faces. One by one they headed over to the banshees in hot pursuit of Shishka. However, there weren't enough banshees for all of them so some of the N00btopians just looked up pointing at Shishka yelling, "Look it is Shishkilla!"
"Shishkilla," questioned KP, "that's an odd name for a giant flying moth-like being, what's next, lightning shoot out of his ass?" KP paused for a moment. "Did I really say that? This story is really getting bad; we seriously need to rescue Wado."
"That's not going to happen," bellowed the voice of a large N00btopian boss. "Surrender now."
"Oh yeah," replied bentllama. "We accept your surrender."
"No, no, no," barked the boss, "you are supposed to surrender."
"I see no reason to surrender, seeing how you surrendered first," deduced bentllama.
"That's the last straw llama!" shouted the boss. "You and all the other prisoners shall entertain use by fighting to the death in a team slayer match -- Blood Gulch, 50% life, no shields and nothing but SPAM cannons against my best N00btopian Spammer Guard.
All the prisoners were taken out from blue base including many from the HBO forums. Each one was handed an empty SPAM cannon. "I don't keep it loaded son," stated the boss. "You'll have to find ammo as you go along."
"Let all stinking kill us and set to hate the worst stupid map up to suck and so does the game, you think you can figure this and that out, or are you just reprogram stupid thoughts you lamer just BLAM teleporters and BLAM you," stated one of the prisoners that looked a lot like Skav.
"Agreed," said BOLL.
"Right on," said The MorningStar.
"What, you hate Halo?" exclaimed the boss. "You are so stupid."
"We love you Skav," shouted a bunch of prisoners including Ben Roth, P_40E, crazed_dingo, Phantom_208, Break Point, jabond102, C-B.
"Excellent," said Moddedcyborg.
"You have fifteen minutes to prepare and then the spamming will begin," ordered the boss with a gleam in his eye.
Hordes of N00btopian shock troops unloaded from proxy servers over red base -- The finest of the N00btopians, the Spammer Guard. They marched in perfect unison, lag was non-existent to them. These were the N00btopian warriors that had routed an entire battle group of 7th column members. Suddenly the word N00b took on new meaning.
"What do you make of this," asked Skav. "Can we make our escape?"
"It doesn't look good," replied BOLL. "I've managed to mod the teleporter to send people off this map to safety, but the boss N00btopian is sure to notice when people start disappearing. Once the jig is up he'll lock down the teleporters and the rest of us will be doomed."
"Might I be of assistance," said the voice of Wado from behind a tree.
"Sure thing Wado," said the group, "but why are you behind that tree?"
"Err... I'm hiding because my active camo wore off and all I'm wearing is my speedos that say, if you can read this, my active camo has wore off. There's a perfectly reasonable explanation for all for this, you see I was on the set of Shadows of Archon II, part 34 and singing in the shower and then..."
"I don't even want to know," interrupted Skav. "So what can we do Wado?"
"Well I've managed to gather quite a lot of data about the situation," calmly said Wado. "First the enemy is not what it seems. It really made no sense that so many N00bs would be united in an evil cause. N00bs is just a term used to describe new people and despite all the bad experiences, N00bs are not necessarily evil or should they be treated with disrespect. Anyway, that got me thinking and I did some browsing and found that the boss N00btopian isn't a N00b at all but a guy who went by the name Loulou Woowoo and tried to impersonate the noble King Louis Wu many years ago. He was banned and vowed vengeance."
"How does this information help us Wado?" asked KP who came into the scene with a tape measure.
"I'll get to that KP, but you have to stop measuring everyone's legs, I promise by the end of this story you will no longer have sticks for legs," replied Wado. "Now where was I, evil, N00bs, LouLou, oh yes, I remember. So these l33t N00bs are nothing more than scripts that the boss N00b placed on web sites. They bombard the people with constant pop-up ads and eventually, the more impressionable people get brainwashed and join the N00btopian cause. The most impressionable people are usually the new people."
"zzzzzzzzzz... (drool)... zzzzzzzz... huh?" said Skav. "So what is it that we are supposed to do Wado?"
"So as I was saying, this whole map is has a catacomb of tunnels beneath it. We just need to make the boss N00b believe we have been eliminated in game play, drop down and, oh what the heck, now that I'm back telling the story, let the story be told... stan?"
Stan came out dressed as the M.C. (Master of Ceremonies). Stan looked at all the N00btopians while spotlights flashed around on the crowd. A drum roll played and then all the lights homed in on stan.
"Hello N00btopia!" shouted stan. The crowd cheered. "Today we have a really big shoe for you. Let's start with the good old boys that put the B.O. in HBO." More cheers from the crowd followed.
dogsounds, the postman, Ninja on Fire, Skav, Opie, Exogenesis, Vid Boi, vshields ash and DoubleMint all came on stage and each put one hand in the air like this and one hand on the hip like that and started to sing and dance, "I'm a little tea pot, one, two, three. Would you like to be just like me?"
"Boo, you suck," yelled some N00btopians but before the crowd got too upset, Ross Mills popped up with his gigantic SPAM cannon. BLAM went the HBO'ers.
When the smoke cleared there was nothing left of any of them except one flaming ninja scooter, some halo tricks videos, and a picture of a dog and sloth left in the destruction. The N00btopians cheered at the carnage, chanting, "More, more, more!"
What the N00btopians didn't see was quite a different picture, however. You see at the fixed 30 fps that they were viewing the events at they failed to notice what happened between frames. The HBO'ers were never hit by Ross' SPAM cannon but instead a split 1/60th of second before the impact, they snuck down hidden holes in the ground and went through the tunnels and then teleported to safety.
"Scrrreeeeech," went the mike. "Testing, can anyone hear me," said Geary. Geary says the next skit is about flaming Bungie and how not to do it.
"Hey that Geary guy is kwel," said some N00btopians. "That Geary guy can talk without moving his lips."
bentllama, BLown-Upp, dogchow33 and Iceman1330 all came out and took a bow. "P-A-N-C-A-K-E," declared bentllama.
"What?" replied BLown-Upp who was then blasted to pieces.
"Huh?" said dogchow33 who was then blasted into a pile of meat in a bowl.
"I get it, heh, no I don't," said Iceman1330 who was frozen solid into a block of ice by bentllama's hypnotic stare.
"...and syrup" said whoknew, but bentllama replied saying, "no flapjack" and whoknew went poof in a cloud of illogic.
Geary says BLown-Upp was blown up, dogchow33 was turned to dog food, the Iceman1330 was iced, and whoknew didn't know.
"Hahaha," said some of the N00btopians. Then Ross came out and blasted bentllama and Geary. "ROFL," said the crowd.
Oh don't be scared, they aren't really hurt. Of course we know that secretly bentllama, BLown-Upp, dogchow33, Iceman1330, whoknew and Geary all teleported to safety so I don't need to explain that every time do I. It's just an act, it's not real, get it. I bet you think professional wrestling is real too? What? Arrrrgh. Just pretend that when an HBO'er gets spammed that they really are getting teleported to safety and the N00btopian boss doesn't realize it. Got it, good. Oh not the wrestling thing again. Yes I know it is called professional wrestling. Aaaaarggh.
So anyway, Gunnery Sergeant comes on stage leading LietLives, Chester The Destroyer, Mr. Mongoose, Spenser, SketchTeno, Blackstar, Yayap the grunt, Schooly D, wings of death, Pico, That guy over there who smiles just a bit too wide, thatdudeoverthere, The artist formerly known as HUNTR-KILLR, The Guardians (Formerly known as Gamey), The Holy Catfish, The Invisable O, thelegacy, ThePerfectCore, ThorsHammer, THR8807, thunderhawk555, Tiamat, Toby Dillman, Tom Vague (aka manic), ToolNIN, Trevelyan, troa00, TT 1080i, TURBO, Tursas, undertaker, uran8er, Valdek, Michael M., KORHOL, MrFluffyPants26, Konrad9, Toby Dillman, Ebb, JeffB2006, drelnathi, White RaBbit, Wolfchild, Wolfy, Wraith7n, wraps52, WRATHofGOD, Wulff, xenøs, xitFACTOR, XLNC, your cell phone, your mom, Your Poop, Vinedale, vlad3163, ZechsGX, and just about everyone else that was left. Oh and every one of them was dressed in a kilt.
"Atten hut!" ordered Gunnery Sergeant. Mr. Mongoose was at his side playing the bagpipes. "This is the grand finally everyone, let's get it right, ready... to the tune of the Riverdance."
"We are the masters of the forum dance. Ha, ha, ho, ho. We don't even wear any pants. Ha, ha, ho, ho."
"They all sang and danced. At the end they grabbed their crotches like Michael Jackson and in a high voice singing, "ooow." And then "(cough), (cough)" with their heads turned to the side.
Stan, I mean the M.C., came on stage. "HBO is powered by Macs and cheese. But I will tell you what is the cheesiest if you please." A drum roll went brrrrrrmmmmm. "The cheesiest thing is in the sky. No it is not a pie. It is the MOON."
At that moment all the HBO'ers turned around and lifted the backs of their kilts. Let's say it was a moony sight to the N00btopians.
"Where's that Ross and his SPAM cannon, I'm starting to feel quite a draft," whispered Skav.
"Ross, (hic-up), is in wardrobe (hic-up) changing into his kilt (hic-up), but don't worry, I'll shoot you (hic-up)," said Zoidberg as he slowly inhaled while taking aim. Aim at what, no one really knew for Zoidberg staggered back and forth and turned in every direction.
Zoidberg fired SPAM in every which direction, everyone dove for cover. Wado jumped down a hole and to wardrobe. "Ross, what are you doing down here in your kilt on front of that webcam? We need you up there. Zoidberg is out of control with your SPAM cannon."
"What (hic-up) is the problem (hic-up)?" replied Ross.
"That's the last time I let you and Zoidberg hang out together," said Wado. Then the lights went dim. Wado looked around and saw all the HBO'ers were being rounded up, even those that supposedly escaped through the teleporter. "Oh uh." He said.
"Very entertaining," bellowed the N00btopian boss. "The little teleportation mod was a nice try, but not good enough because I could see all of it at 120 fps on my over-clocked mega box. Now you all shall die."
The HBO'ers said their last goodbyes to each other. They had done everything within their power to stop the N00btopians, but without help, it was a doomed cause.
bentllama's ears turned towards the horizon. There was a sound, a murmur of engines approaching. Then there was a shadow above.
"Shishkilla!" yelled N00btopians as they pointed upwards and ran into little model tanks, building, trains, and cars. Yes, Shishka, the Lord of the Skies, had returned.
Shishka swooped down, his wings blowing over the little model tanks. Then from over the horizon came transports, yellow pelicans piloted by Red Loser, Hedgemony, c0ld vengeance, and foe hammer.
The HBO'ers loaded into the transports; even a few N00bs came along and were accepted by the group. Afterall, we are all N00bs in a way at heart.
Over the com channel was the M.C. (no not stan). "Listen up, we are about to activate the HSP defenses, everyone get out of there."
"Everyone," questioned Wado, "but the HSP defenses aren't a cudgel you barbarian."
"Err... Sorry Wado, but you are wrong, you idiot," came the voices of Finn and mnemesis on the com channel. "The only way is to nuke them from orbit."
As the HBO'ers and new found friends flew away from the game map, they looked back to see Nukey and nukedude fly down from the heavens. They nuked the heck out of everything. N00btopian was glassed and in the end, the boss N00btopian, a.k.a. Loulou Woowoo was never seen again (err... until the sequel).
"Hey what about my legs?" asked KP.
"Allow me," said BOLL as he drew KP some new stilts.
"Hey these aren't my legs, you promised," pleaded KP.
"I said you would not have sticks for legs at the end of the story, besides, how are you going to convince good King Louis that this all really happened if you have your real legs back?" inquired Wado. "Of course I could always ask ZZoMBiE13 to draw you some new legs."
"No that's quite okay, whimper, whimper," replied KP. And KP did get his chance to speak to good King Louis.
"So you see my noble king, that's how it happened," said KP.
"Wow that is amazing KP, now I must be going, I have a dance lesson to go to," replied the good king. "We're doing a production of the Nut Cracker for Christmas."
Then the good king headed off in his green and red tutu.
Muahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. ;)
Note: Special thanks to the folks at HBO and Bungie for being such good sports and to the Fan Fic writers everywhere. Now go home, there's nothing more to see here.
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