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The March of the N00bs – Special Features
Posted By: Wado<wyamauchi@msn.com>
Date: 2 December 2003, 8:41 AM
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Note: You might think the names in this story reflect people you know but I swear I made the whole thing up. I really don't know what you are talking about.
The March of the N00bs - Special Features
"This Special Features section for the March of the N00bs is jam packed with extra content, deleted scenes and bloopers. Hello, I'm the mystery writer, and I'll be your host for today. Let's start by bringing in the master blaster writing disaster, Wado himself."
"Hello Wado."
"Aiiieee!" Wado screamed like a little girl. "I told you to stop following me around, and what are you doing in my bathroom?"
"Interview, special features for March of the N00bs. Ring a bell? Hello anyone home up there?"
"Oh yeah, hand me a towel please." Wado comes out from behind the shower curtains.
"So Wado, I heard that some wild things happened on the set of March of the N00bs. Care to extrapolate?"
"I certainly don't extrapolate, especially on the first interview, but I will explain further and expand on your statement."
"Ah, right, go ahead."
"Well it wasn't nicknamed March of the boobs for nothing. Let me tell you mystery writer, it got pretty wild at times. Yeah, heh, heh, real wild -- Oh yeah, you bet, super-duper wild."
"Care to elaborate a bit on that?"
"I don't elaborate, what do you think I'm easy or something?"
"Okay, Wado, just give an example of how wild things got for our readers to know because they weren't there and they can't read your mind."
"Oh, well there was this time when the M.C. was being led through the book mobile by 235 Guilty Nick but instead of activating the HSP defenses he ended up in this bar full of women. Lots of the gals from the set were there and, oh heck, I've got film footage. Let's just watch this little piece I call M.C.'s hammer time."
M.C.'s hammer time
"Great, I've retrieved the debit card 235 GN, now let's go activate the HSP defenses," said the M.C.
"Sure thing but I better take that debit card, your flesh makes you vulnerable to boobie bars," insisted 235 Guilty Nick.
"Newbie bars?" asked the M.C.
"Technically no, but whatever floats your boat M.C.," said 235 Guilty Nick in a confused voice.
"So where do we go next?" asked the M.C.
"First stop is the cash machine; yeah baby!" replied 235 Guilty Nick. "I've got a hot date with h00rtona and a spot on Shishka's AIs Gone Wild, Live and Uncut (http://carnage.bungie.org/haloforum/halo.forum.pl?read=321642)." 235 then slipped $20 to the M.C. "Don't spend it all in one place M.C., see you later."
"What? You're leaving, just like in the library, noooooooooooo!" screamed the M.C.
"I never went to the library with you M.C., I think you are having flashbacks from the Story Bible," replied 235 Guilty Nick as he spun around just because he could. "Look M.C., I don't know how to tell you but you are such a chick magnet that I won't be able to get anywhere with h00rtana unless you get lost, so get lost. And hurry, here she comes."
The M.C. headed into some bushes so that the approaching h00rtana wouldn't see him. He felt a bit naughty listening to the conversation between 235 GN and h00rtana, but he couldn't risk being seen for the sake of the little blue construct.
"Hey there h00rtana, are you wearing a space suit because your body is out of this world," said 235 Guilty Nick. "Want to tangle with some wide bandwidth tonight? I've got the HSP debit card."
"Sure I guess, you seem like a nice enough construct," replied h00rtana. "Let's go get something to eat."
The M.C. waited for h00rtana and 235 GN to leave then he headed down the street looking for an all-you-can-eat place. He had 20 bucks you know. Little did the M.C. know, however, that he was being watched.
"This is so great, he doesn't realize I'm filming him," whispered Wado from the shadows.
The camera goes on to Wado. "This is the M.C. in his natural habitat, the mini-mall. Watch carefully as he selects exactly the best deal for a meal to feed the hungry animal in him." Then the camera focuses back on the M.C. who is heading into a building. "Hurry, we can't lose him," whispered Wado in an Aussie accent.
The M.C. entered the building with a sign above it that said "Half-off Sailor's night." The place was dark the music loud.
"Hello M.C.," said a sultry voice. Then the music stopped and the house lights came on.
"Well hello, Pallor, what are you and all these other ladies doing here?" asked the M.C. as he looked around and saw the place was packed with women. On the stage were three men that had been dancing without any shirts on.
"The question should be, what are you doing here M.C.?" replied Pallor, her blonde hair tossing from side to side as she turned her head and massaged her own shoulders. Apparently it had been a long and hard day for her.
"Half off, Sailor's night," said the M.C. "That's what the sign said and I'm a sailor so I should get half-off."
"Silly cupcake," said the sexy voice of Jillybean who now stood beside Pallor. "It's sailors wearing only half their clothes."
"Oh really, which half? (cough) Well anyway, I just wanted something to eat, I've only got 20 bucks and I can eat a lot," stated the M.C. innocently.
"Oh M.C. we've got lots of food for you," said Sarah, "but you can't eat with that helmet on. Why not take it off and let us see what it is you have under it?"
"You know the rules, when I'm in the suit, you can't see under the helmet," lectured the M.C. "Besides, aren't you a little young to be thinking about such things."
"Oh just a little peak, we won't tell anyone," said Jillybean. Then the crowd of at least 77 women chanted, "helmet, helmet, helmet."
Pallor put on an apron and brought out a pizza. "You know you want some M.C., now off with the helmet."
"This is kind of embarrassing," said the M.C. "I'm not really in the mood, the lights are too bright and I need music."
"We can arrange things for you M.C.," said Pallor who signaled for the lights to dim and music to start. The music started with "I'm a cowboy, I'm a cowboy..."
At first the M.C. stood still but slowly his hips began to gyrate. "Just call me the big green dancing machine," shouted the break dancing M.C.
Errrrrrrrkkkkkk! The film is stopped. "Hold on there Wado, you can't show this stuff. The M.C. represents so much, to so many people; you just can't show him like this. And you especially can't show what's under his helmet; Bungie would never allow that."
"Just relax mystery writer. I'm only giving the fans what they want. Why there are literally hundreds of forum posts speculating what the big green guy has under the helmet. Now once and for all I'm going to reveal who he really is under that helmet. Roll the film, roll the film!"
The film starts once more but there is nothing but static.
"What happened to the film?" Wado approached the camera crew but they weren't around instead there was only Miguel Chavez. "Hello Miguel, I'm glad you are here. I've been meaning to say that the M.C. was at some really cool party the other night, wasn't that you player, nudge, nudge, wink, wink, you weren't too hot in the helmet were you?"
"I don't know what you are talking about Wado; I went home early the last couple of nights, the filming of March of the N00bs really got me tired."
"Come on Miguel, the jig is up, you can tell the world what really is under the M.C.'s helmet."
"Yes I know Wado, and I guess I can tell."
"See I knew I would reveal the tru7h to the world, right here on this Special Features film. So go ahead Miguel."
"Well Wado, best I can figure it's the M.C.'s head under his helmet, it's not too hard to see at the end of Halo that he has a head, although covered with shadows. You can also see his eyes through his visor at times."
"Yes, errr... what Miguel? No you are supposed to reveal that it's you under the helmet. Come on, why doesn't anyone believe me?"
"Umm, I played the M.C. in your story because M and C are my initials. I played him in the story; I'm not the M.C. in real life Wado."
"No you are and I can prove it Miguel, you can't hide the tru7h. And I know just who to ask to prove it. Hey you, yes you in the bunny suit."
"Hi Wado and who do I blame for this outfit?"
"Hey don't look at me or the mystery writer because Shishka put you in that outfit (http://www.subnova.com/comic/?cid=3) and I have to say, you look marvelous Bob."
"Are you making a bad joke Wado, you know who I am, don't you?"
"Screw me if I'm wrong, but I think your name is Bob."
"Oh my, your timing has got to be the worse... Oh is that you Miguel, it's always a pleasure to see you."
"I knew it Pallor, that big smirk and look of satisfaction across your face gives it all away, he is the M.C. and you saw under his helmet, right?"
"I don't know what you are talking about Wado, as usual I might add. No Miguel just dances to the music I like, we have something is common."
"And that music is... I'm a cowboy... boom, boom, baby, right?"
"No it is Nine and a half inch nails. Tehehehehehe."
"Hey what's so funny? I will prove that Miguel is the M.C."
"I already said I was Wado, those are my initials."
A group of women approached. "Hello Miguel. Nice day for a dance."
"Oh hello Jillybean and Sarah."
"Hello Miguel, hello, hello, hi, hey there.... Tehehehehehe."
"Hello Kate, Lisa, Dana, Chris, the Swedish Bikini Team, Karen, Traci, Britney..."
"Grumble, grumble. I swear I'm going to prove it Miguel."
"Don't feel bad Wado, here look at all this money I got."
"Where did you get all this money, there must be a few thousand dollars all in ones and fives?"
"Umm, I found it in my Bungie pants this morning."
"Hey I'm supposed to make the jokes around here."
"Sorry Wado, I forgot."
"Hey what about me, the mystery writer. I'm supposed to be interviewing you Wado."
"Yes you are, aren't you. Well first I'd like to say that your story-telling skills need some work mystery writer. For instance, how did I get out here in the middle of the street wearing nothing but a towel? You really need to take into account the setting for each scene. I mean no one even said a word about my towel."
"Well, I thought I did quite good in your absence. March of the N00bs Part 2a got rave reviews."
"Yes, mystery writer, I heard your story was really good, kind of like how the Matrix 2 is so much better than the first Matrix."
"Well, yeah. So Wado, show us some of the stuff that didn't make it into the story, the cutting room floor."
"No problem, here is a scene that didn't make it in. To set things up we have Mainevent, Walker, Ishkabibbl, Simpson's Rule, Private Red Shirt and MasterGrunt. Well Private Red Shirt was supposed to be a stunt double but since his dad owned the studio we had to give him a few lines. Anyway, it is a cool dark night on the Fan Fic front..."
Night of the Flug
"Game over man, we're all gonna die," said a freaked out Private Red Shirt.
"Calm down soldier," comforted Lance Corporal Walker, "I read the script and you and I are mentioned in the big Fan Fiction battle so we can't die before them."
"I don't know about that, Wado killed off the Master Chief in his story," interjected Ishkabibbl. "No one is safe around here and besides I read the script too and there is no mention of a Private Red Shirt in the battle ahead."
Lance Corporal Walker kicks Ishkabibbl in the shin.
"Ouch, what did you do that for?" complained Ishkabibbl. "Oh I see."
"Argghhh, I'm going to die!" screamed Private Red Shirt.
"Come on pull yourself together," said Simpson's Rule. "What are you afraid of, you are two weeks away from retirement, you are engaged to be married, you are a racial minority who is neither funny nor in a starring role and... well no one would kill off your character, err... gee come to think of it, you are dead meat."
"Hey what is up with Mainevent?" asked MasterGrunt. "The guy has been motionless and suspended in the air for hours now."
Mainevent is a shadowy figure dressed in all black. Suspended in time it is impossible to get him into the story, but we try nevertheless.
"You hear that?" whispered Private Red Shirt. "There it is again."
Whistling voices in the air, "We are the Flatulent Flug, the Flatulent Flug..."
"Lock and load gentlemen," ordered Lance Corporal Walker.
"Yes, sir..." whispered the group as they loaded up their weapons with pancake rounds.
"Pancake?" said bentllama who was then quickly escorted off the set.
"Here they come," stated Ishkabibbl. A dark shadow moved across the ground. Small waves of mushroom shaped creatures bobbed up and down. It was the Stench!
Rapapapapapapa pa pa rapapapa flew the pancake rounds. "Reload!" shouted MasterGrunt as he ducked down under cover.
"Cover!" replied Walker. Then he popped up to unload a clip into the Stench. babababababababababab bam bababababababababab bam. "Reload!" shouted Walker.
"Cover!" replied MasterGrunt. Rapapapapapapapapa pa pa rapapapa.
Private Red Shirt busily loaded and handed out ammo clips to the others as they ran empty. Simpson's Rule and Ishkabibbl sniped the larger members of the Stench -- the Flug Warriors.
"That's seven kills," shouted Simpson's Rule.
"I'm up to nine rookie," replied Ishkabibbl.
"Three in one shot," said Simpson's Rule. "That's ten."
"Lag damn it, it's the lag," complained Ishkabibbl.
"You sure do complain a lot Ishkabibbl," interrupted Private Red Shirt.
"It's that Wado's idea, it appears he is having trouble spelling my name so he takes it out on me in the story," answered Ishkabibblabbilbibbbilibiblibbbbi. Author's note: Delete this scene from the real story, so no one knows my mistakes.
Absolutely silent and unmoving, Mainevent disappeared in a cloud of smoke. Incidently, at the same time he disappeared and the smoke formed, twelve dozen of the Stench ran into pancake rounds that were suspended in the air. The bodies of the Stench encircled the suspended pancake rounds.
"Boo-ya, Mainevent!" cheered the group. All that was left of the Stench were the bodies of the fallen Flug and a large green cloud.
"Which way is the wind blowing?" asked Simpson's Rule.
"Umm... Run, save yourselves!" ordered Lance Corporal Walker. Alas the wind was starting to blow in their direction. Soon the cloud of flatulence would overtake their position. Everyone ran for it except for poor Private Red Shirt.
Private Red Shirt stood in awe of the cloud saying, "So this is how the Flug alter the atmosphere, now finally I have a theory worthy of the Story Page; step aside Prince the Forerunner."
Jamirus99 runs off in the distance, "It's mine, my precious theory, yes Story Page, my precious." He is promptly hit over the head and knocked out by a seven pound doughnut.
"Opps, sorry," said Jillybean. "Hmm... heh, no that doughnut wasn't for me, it's for the Story Page."
"Yes, I lived!" exclaimed a joyous Private Red Shirt. "Now I can be in the rest of the story."
"Oh man, you reek," said everyone. "Hit the showers soldier," ordered Lance Corporal Walker.
I am sad to report that Private Red Shirt hit the showers and broke off the nozzle. The resulting flood washed him away. He is still missing and presumed dead. In honor of the lost Red Shirt, we salute you.
Meanwhile on the set of Star Trek, a lost Red Shirt enters just in time to join the away team. "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" he shouts.
Bloopers
h00rtana: "Why M.C., I can still see you, now get into the bush now." - CUT! Laughter on the set... - "Oh, opps..."
Wado: "You know Jilly, bagels look a lot like doughnuts."
Jillybean: "Silly cupcake, hahahahaha, oh hehehehehehe, I ca-ca-can't, too hehaha, whoo! Okay, okay, here goes... Silly cupcake, hahaha, hehe, ha. I can't say it." - CUT!
Wado: "Figures the one time I get to disprove the whole doughnut theory and look what happens. Not funny Jilly."
Louis Wu: "Very interesting KP..." - Yo that's my line - "Oh sorry Stuntmutt, but the guest queue to get into Wado's fan fiction is too big so I axed your spot and gave it to me." - But you're already in the story - "Oh yeah, umm... gee... don't you have a strip to make or something."
Stan: "We have a really big boot for you." - CUT - "Sorry... we have a really big slipper for you." - CUT - "Line, what's my line?" - Shoe, a really big shoe - "got it... we have a really big moccasin for you..."
KP: "Would you two get a room?" - Are you talking about me and Jillybean? - "No Wado, I'm talking about Louis and that tutu he has."
Shiska: "You left me out of the story Wado." - Umm, well Shishka's a bit over-protective of you and I didn't want to make him angry - "Oh don't worry about that guy, the first 'h' in his name means honey. He's all sweet when you get to know him." - Well I suspected something like that. What's the second 'h' stand for? - "What second 'h'?"
Bentllama: "Pudding." - CUT! For the last frigging time the line is 'Pancake', say 'Pancake'
Note: Special thanks to the folks at HBO and Bungie for being such good sports and to the Fan Fic writers everywhere. Agent 117. Chief. Master Chief. So we finally meet, man with the yellow banshee...
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